Newborns Are Ultimate Bliss

An ode to babies and embracing new motherhood without losing yourself

I did not stop doing every single thing I loved when I became a mom. I simply could not relate to the moms who wrote or spoke about motherhood with the convictions that they lost who they were. I was exhilarated to be a new mom, and I was going to fully embrace my newborn!

When you think of hard yet enjoyable things, what comes to mind? Here are a few of mine:

Hiking Mount Washington — 6,288 feet tall — the highest peak in the Northeast during the stiff heat and humidity of late August.

Climbing Highland Peak in Aspen, Colorado — boot packing in frostbite inducing extreme January weather.

Descending the Aiguille du Midi — A mountain in the Mont Blanc massive in the French Alps. This descent navigates along the ‘arête’, a steep ridge edge with a 50-degree pitch on both sides, to a famous ski run called Vallee Blanche.

Mount Washington and other Presidential Mountain hike pursuits were gratifying. Climbing Highland Bowl in 40 mph wind was gutsy. The Aiguille du Midi and skiing Vallee Blanche under a Chamonix blue sky on February 27th, 2014, was a memorable life experience — right up there with giving birth! (Hello oxytocin!) It is challenging and then it is EUPHOROC. It is NUTS and then it is gratifying. Life with a baby can be like that. Like climbing a mountain, reaching the peak, skiing down, and doing it again, and again!

Ascending mountains is an enjoyable metaphor. Harder experiences like overcoming grief or achieving career growth might resonate more. In the spirit of leaning into being vulnerable and bold (it is a good reason for writing) this is my truth: my father’s death, planning his funeral, and other bereavement dealings with were hard. Studying for exams to pass, and then to build out the Mass General Brigham Contract Maintenance Application on Epic was hard. Giving birth and having a newborn baby was supremely next level happiness and warmth and love and bliss.

My first born had a brief stay in the NICU. Here is my Dad visiting us.

Your life as a new mom — it will not look the same as your life before. If that was not beaming down like the sun’s rays on a hot July beach day upon becoming pregnant or giving birth, this is a simple nugget of truth. It is not supposed to look the same. You brought a life into the world. What you do with your own life as you create a family will shift. Envision and manifest for your family how you want it to look. 

And yet, motherhood does not mean you have to change entirely who you are. If you are changing, recognize that is because of what no longer serves you. Let go of stagnant energy. Hit the pause button on other kinds. Notice as it happens and work towards acceptance. Take what you need with you. Yes, take what you need with you it into motherhood. Then go and enjoy your newborn. Get to know them in their brief and fleeing infancy.

Understand that you do not need to stop doing everything you love when you become a mom. Sure, endeavors in life such as career, creative pursuits, fitness goals and connections to your wider social network will take a pause and may shift. Do not succumb to the notion you are going to lose who you are. You are still you. The remarkable part is that you get to decide how this is going to work for you and your baby. You can embrace this phase, without losing yourself.

When I come across certain phrases describing new motherhood or of moms reflecting, they often give me pause. Okay, I’m too nice. They bug me.

“No one told me it was going to be so hard!”

“No one told me I was going to lose this part of myself.”

“No one told me I was going to become an entirely different person.”

“I really did not like the newborn phase.”

“I felt like a failure as a new mom.”

“I hate when someone tells me to enjoy the moments. They don’t remember what it is like!”

My kids are (almost) five and two. I do remember what it was like. I remember.

I am not here to invalidate a new mom’s truth. Instead to:

lift you up and remind you that it is brief,

prepare you that it might be hard, and

allow you the grace to pause on life and the person you think you need to be.  

I am grateful we talk openly about new mom feelings that lead to times of intense struggle and hardship. I am here for those stories. Moms sharing their experiences give all of us perspective and connection.

My story is one where the charge into motherhood at age 35 was welcome and fulfilling. I felt empowered. WE MADE A LIFE. We created a human being. I birthed a baby. I am fascinated by the notion, even though hundreds of thousands of women give birth every day, that I get to do this! The entirety of it was exhilarating and powerful.

Now I have a soft, delicate, chubby newborn baby in my arms. Who by the way, will only be a newborn baby for two months. This precious, tiny, cherub will only be the golden 3-to-11-month infant ages for a swift moment in time. This baby is a person who does not walk and who does not talk for only the first 1 to 2 years of life. Think about that.

I want to shout this for the expectant moms in the back (call it trite if you must, I believe it is important!): This is the most incredibly fleeting time ever in life. It is brand new. It will be beautiful (I hope), messy (for sure) and all-consuming (for a time) but that is just it, a short time. Let it devour you for an instant and embrace the moments taking flight.

I was lucky that I had a community I could emulate. From my own Mom, my aunts, my cousins, and a large handful of my girlfriends, plus my husband’s close friends and siblings who all had children before me, I had shining examples of the ways in which families were formed and how women chose to mother. No one told me how to do it, they showed me by being who they were.

I do not want to wish away or give less meaning to the first phase of my child’s existence. Especially because I could not conceptualize exactly how it would go and “no one told me!”

If I can help a new mom combat mild anxiety, fears, concerns or worries from a place of love and compassion, I want to do that.

I want to grant new moms permission that you do not have to do that “thing". You do not have to join a sing-along group with other Moms of newborns because you think you need more community. You do not have to enroll your 3-month-old in swim lessons. You do not have to enroll your 6-month-old in gymnastics. You do not need to get out of the house and make new mom friends because society says you need to. If you don't want to, you don’t have to. I did not feel called to immediately make new friends just because I had a baby. Mom friends will come in time, naturally, but this is not required from the jump at scheduled activities.

I wanted to cuddle on the couch and fold tiny clothes and change tiny diapers. I wanted to get to know my infant in this way, lounging around with no time commitments.

I wanted to take blissful, cuddly, couch naps. So we did. Whenever necessary.

I want to watch them lift their head and do tummy time and try to roll over.

I want to listen to their sounds, see them smile, and watch them discover their hands and feet.

I want to inhale their fresh, powdery, clean, life affirming scent.

I recognized that I did not want a schedule. I breastfed on demand. The baby napped when they wanted to nap. Doing more than I needed to do, or planning something I deep down did not want to made me tense. And then having my baby on a tight schedule in general made things harder on me.

So I did not do those things. 

Another mom’s way will inevitably look and feel different. Firm feeding and nap schedules that made me restless might be the things that make you feel better and more connected.

“I spent a lot of time being worried about things I didn’t need to” ~ This makes me feel a sharp sadness over a new mom’s regret.

You should do certain things if you WANT to do those things. Not because you THINK you should. I do think settling in and getting to know your baby one on one seems like a meaningful first step. And then, every family’s timeline will look different regarding when they want to venture out into the world. I felt no angst about the type activities we were doing as a family. I was excited for this new little person I was getting to know to come along for the ride.

along for the ride. this is hiking at 7 months old.

If you feel lost, try doing YOU with your baby alongside. I'm not advocating for staring at them while they tummy time it up and you fold laundry all day. I'm advocating for easing your baby into your life in ways that feel gentle and approachable. When you feel ready, and your baby is a little older, embrace the world. Babies can go places. Babies are adaptable. They are more adaptable if you allow them to be. If you feel more comfortable at home, why not host an intimate group for dinner?

Did she just tell me to host a dinner party?

Well, you stated: “No one told me I was going to become an entirely different person!”

What brought you joy before you had a baby? How can you incorporate them into the fold? You’re not going to do it straight away, or as much, or in perfect crescendo; but maybe seeing friends in your home and cooking for them will make you feel like…you! You are: someone who likes to cook, someone who likes to host, and you are a Mom. Now pass that baby around for everyone to hold while you pop the champagne.

Taking long walks around the city meets suburb neighborhoods where I lived at the time was a daily ritual on my maternity leave. To get out of the house on a long stroller walk was me in my least anxious translate to blissful state. I was getting exercise, the baby was usually taking a nap, and we got to do all that in the fresh air. My first child was born at the end of February (2019), my second in December (2021), so I was taking winter walks; the thick stroller tires crunching over the snow and maneuvering around snow banks. As spring approached on my first leave, I brought a book and read in the park. Or grabbed lunch at a coffee shop. Lean into your calm and your babies will too.

If you could be happier taking your baby to do the things that you wanted to do —what are those things? If something veers off towards the path of anxiety, or on a simpler level makes you cringe — you don’t have to push through it in the name of new motherhood. Literally no one needs to host a dinner party. I had a wide group of friends and family who supported me on my journey, and it made me feel good and connected to do so.

Whatever makes you light up or expand, follow that path. Ascend down that trail. If for you that is slapping a swim diaper on your baby and heading to the pool with them, jump on in. If it means making new mom friends, go do it! Having your baby on a schedule, great idea! You are trying to get clear on what you want as you get to know your baby. As these things happen in tandem, give yourself grace.

easing into life as a family of 4 at Lawson’s Finest Liquids in Waitsfield, Vermont.

I want to commiserate with you if you have a colicky newborn who does not sleep. I want to hold you through the witching hours. I want to talk about sleep schedules and nap schedules and what your personal struggles are. My first child took some dedication and lots of husband wife communication. (The whole not on a schedule / long naps in the stroller doesn’t bode well for the best nighttime sleeper, I admit). If you happen to get a great sleeper, thank the universe daily.

This is not brand-new information that some babies are not great at sleep from the jump. Pregnant mamas, manifest positive sleep energy to that little baby in the womb. Remember, this newborn is going to grow up so don’t let the hard stuff consume you. Babies totally pick up on your energy as parents.

I breastfed my babies. We also fed them bottles with formula. I am here to embrace if it was your choice to not breastfeed. I am here to empathize if that was not your experience and you wanted it to be. You have permission to do whatever works for you and to not stress about it. I repeat: DO NOT STRESS if you do not have to stress. Breastfeeding, bottle feeding, pumping, weaning — each mom will have a unique experience. Whatever you or your baby chooses, or whatever your circumstances dictate, it is the right move. And listen to your body, it is speaking to you. Weaning — that was a doozy on my hormones! I could feel deeply in my bones the fluctuation. How wild and vivid that was as a new mom experience.

Sleep and feeding can be consuming when you are in the thick of it, like The Little Blue Truck stuck in the mud. But now I see that a lot depends on a helping hand from a few good friends — to quote the author Alice Schertle. You will figure out these hard things, you will get unstuck from the mud, and you will carry on down the road.

Do what makes sense for you and do not feel guilty. Shedding guilt is a part of the path to motherhood happiness. So too is an optimistic disposition and understanding that the newborn stage is transient. And Perspective. Always Perspective.

raising babies. it can be hair raising!

My truth is despite complexities society throws into the mix. I could write an essay on not-so-great maternity leave, taking time unpaid, and childcare conundrums, but this is already quite long and those less-than-ideal aspects are beside the point (of this essay. Not beside the entire point of raising babies, no not at all!) My truth also comes with an incredibly supportive and involved and patient husband.

Watching your kids grow and experience the world is by far the coolest and most awe inspiring, wild, fulfilling, profound time in life. Parenting a toddler promises to be a challenge. (On my personal hard scale: Toddlers > Infants). We must focus on the exceptional things about our kids as they grow, despite the challenges that come with raising them.

I am following my instincts and doing the best I can through the fleeting, joyful, proud, chaotic, whiny, frustrating, loud, voice raising times of having young lives to take care of. And remember, to embrace motherhood is to not agonize or grieve over what you feel you have lost. If you give it time, you are still there, you are still alive, and you are still YOU.

What the idealist in me wishes for the world is that newborn babyhood receives you as ultimately blissful. I want for mothers and fathers to experience immense, overwhelming, all-consuming love, joy, and a tremendous bond with their newborn baby. But I can’t wish that into existence for everyone. I can’t override the struggles. I can’t combat a medical or a mental health diagnosis. I can’t undo trauma or suffering. What I can do is be open to the world and the experiences of others.

Understanding what hardships befall new motherhood and the path to it, my gratitude in this lifetime knows no bounds. For healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. For the family I was able to create. I am every single day thankful in an overwhelming capacity. I felt considerable euphoria throughout my pregnancy and upon becoming a mom. I experienced postpartum elation because given my circumstances, anything less was irrational.

If you enjoyed reading this, please give it a ❤️ so that others may find it. I invite you to share your truth in the comments.